COLUMN — Raincoats for penis rockets

After devastating floods in Western Europe last week, desperation about the state of the world has finally reached Europeans too. Other continents were way before us; in Southern USA, floods are just a regular Wednesday. For much of Asia, it’s a sad but expected result during the Monsoon season. My privileged European ass is shocked, however.

‘The link with climate change is clear,’ one headline reads. News about cloudbursts above Nigeria, India, and China prove its point.

I am not in a flooding zone, so all I’ve seen are videos of the calamity online. One voice lingers in my mind: ‘Help us. There is water everywhere! We haven’t been able to reach through to emergency services since three in the morning.’ The desperation in his voice is heartbreaking. One hundred kilometers away, it fills me with fear too.

Luckily, the greats of the world have a solution for us. On the day of national mourning in Belgium, retired Amazon slave handler Jeff Bezos shoots his remarkably phallic-looking rocket into space. He exclaims, ‘It’s the best day ever!’

‘His flying penis rocket will help stop God from pissing down on us in the future’

The amateur astronaut plans to save the world. He’ll be launching polluting industries up in space so the earth can stay the precious blue marble it is now. Thankfully, Bezos has a big unhappy workforce to stand by him. And now that Amazon is selling more raincoats, there’ll be even more monies for the cause!

Meanwhile, down on the marble, Europeans are astonished at yet more videos of cities becoming giant pools. On my own part, I selfishly worry about all the ways my house won’t be able to handle floods. On the radio, I hear some expert says floods in my city would reach higher than two meters. On TV, another thinks we’ll be fine.

‘This year is just exceptionally wet’

After a panicked google search for places with a more stable climate, I conclude we’re doomed. Has this been happening all along, or did I never notice the destructive streams of water pouring down in other parts of the world? I couldn’t have been that blind and disconnected. Surely this year is just exceptionally wet.

On the news, Bezos claims his little escapade opened his eyes as he watched the earth and its fragile atmosphere from above. Our space sugar daddy is convinced his business will help save the world from its current state. Surely, his flying penis rocket will help stop God from pissing down on us in the future.

A preposterous idea, of course. Look how disconnected he is, I scoff.

Text and picture: © Lisa Poppe